Completing a PhD with a Family (Part 2): Involving Spouse and Kids

Ever heard this: No one is going to read your dissertation outside of your committee.

Or this: No one cares about your research...but you.

These may be extremes, but some part of both statements is true.

At the core of this rests the realization that completing a PhD is an isolating and lonely task.

During this lonely time in your life, impostor syndrome can easily set-in...along with depression, anxiety, and a whole host of other mental and even physical issues.

The PhD can easily consume you.

This all-consuming nature causes immense guilt when you are not actively spending time with it. All the same, the all-consuming nature of your family causes immense guilt when you are not spending time with them.

In order to not let that happen, I suggest involving your family in the process. Whether they are a spouse and kids, or parents, aunts and uncles...or even roommates...here are 3 tips to involve your family while working on a PhD.

1. Contracts

In my last blog, I mention forming a contract with your family. While this might seem strange, forming a contract shows your family the seriousness of the time commitment. It is a way to communicate to them the types of things you need to be doing and the space you need to do it.

Your family is not going to understand what you are going through and how they can best serve you unless you tell them. A contract will help with that.

On the family end, this contract gives you--as a family--a way to ensure that you are spending time with them, and they are spending time with you.

One of the biggest concerns of a PhD student with a family is that they are going to ignore their family. The contract will help bring balance to that.

I Didn't Have a Contract

Don't follow my example. When I came up with this contract idea, I thought that communicating my research schedule was enough. I was wrong.

Had I developed a contract with my wife, some of the time that I intentionally set aside for family would have been much more meaningful. Since I never adequately communicated my intentions to her, she filled my free time with tasks for the rest of the family that I didn't know about. We spent less time together than I anticipated because she assumed that I would be consumed by the PhD.

Had we had an agreement that we stuck to, our time together would have been more purposeful and meaningful.

2. Talk About Your Research

One of the most important things about the PhD process is being able to communicate your research with others. We get so ingrained with talking about "big" terms like epistemology and ontology that we forget to make it relatable.

For the first year of my PhD, I hid my topic from my wife. She knew the title of my dissertation, but that was it. One day, she said she was trying to explain it to someone and couldn't, so she asked me to explain it to her. It went right over her head.

She's in seminary right now, so it's not lack of intelligence. It went over her head because I couldn't explain it. After that, I took the time during one of my evening sessions and practiced explaining it. I even came up with ways to dialogue with the kids about it, who were all 10 and under.

What did this do?

It allowed us to connect using the very thing that beckoned my attention just as much--if not more--than they did.

Being able to talk about your research with your family involves them in the process. They are often very happy to dialogue with you, and genuinely curious about what you are doing. I would recommend not making it overt or weird, but find ways to discuss your research in a way that is engaging and interesting.

This can be helpful because it will engage you in your research in a way that may not necessarily be "academic."

A WORD OF CAUTION

Please only use this tactic to connect what you are doing with your family. Yes, it does have an academic benefit for you, but be sure to engage your spouse and kids in conversations that are meaningful to them as well. Do not make this about you. Make it about them.

3. Patience

I saved the best for last.

Be patient with your family. While you may have a written contract, and you may engage them in your research, they are still your family, and they are more important than a degree.

If you make the choice to work on your PhD while they are around, set personal expectations that you will tend to their needs first. This will be difficult, but it is necessary.

When your spouse and kids look back on your PhD journey, you don't want them to despise that diploma every time they see it. You want them to be proud of you. How that happens is by making sure they know they are first.

Younger kids, in particular, are not going to understand a contract, but they will understand a caring parent who helps them, gets them juice, or plays a 5-minute patty cake game with them.

A spouse will understand a contract, but they will appreciate a caring partner who recognizes that they are upset and needs to talk, had a bad day at work, or just needs companionship in the moment.

Seize those moments.

Final story

My youngest child was 3 during most of my PhD work. For a 3-month period, no matter what time I got up in the morning, she would meet me about 30 minutes into the writing session. It was the same conversation: "Daddy, may I have more juice? What are you doing? May I watch you?"

I was frustrated because I sacrificed sleep and was getting up a 2:00 a.m. so I wouldn't be interrupted...only to be interrupted. After a few weeks of this, I yelled at her to go to bed and, of course, she cried. There was pain in her cry. She was hurt.

All she wanted was to innocently spend time with her dad early in the morning with my undivided attention. I failed in that moment.

After that, I learned to embrace the interruptions. Yes, I would get frustrated from time-to-time, but never to the point where I yelled at one of them again. In the end, it was worth it. I still finished my PhD, and my family is as strong and bonded as ever.

Conclusion

I don't know where you are when it comes to families, but if you haven't implemented any strategies, I urge you to try these. If you have implemented others that have worked, I would love to hear about them!

The time it takes to complete your PhD is temporary. Your family is forever. Partner with them, love them, have patience, and most of all...ENJOY them!

Coming Soon:

• Organizational Strategies

• Maximizing Productivity

• Becoming a Student of the PhD